Applicant Torture System

PROBLEM

Applicants have not yet been sufficiently evaluated.

SOLUTION

The Applicant Torture System is the intangible multi-stage gauntlet through which candidates for any position, opportunity, collaboration, or acknowledgment must pass before a determination is made. The system is not designed to be cruel. It is designed to be comprehensive. The cruelty is incidental and has been noted in internal documentation as a known side effect that has not warranted remediation. Stage one is the application, which requires the candidate to describe themselves in terms that are simultaneously humble and exceptional, brief and complete, and formatted correctly even though the format is not specified. Stage two is the waiting period, duration unspecified, during which the candidate is expected to remain available, enthusiastic, and not ask about the timeline. Stage three is the evaluation, conducted by someone whose criteria are proprietary, whose feedback is withheld, and whose decision is final in a way that does not invite the response yes but why. Stage four is the outcome, delivered at a time that is convenient for the system and not for the candidate. The Applicant Torture System is fully automated in the sense that no single person is responsible for any part of it. It has always been this way. It says so right here.