Human Registrar $7/mo

PROBLEM

Humans can't prove their identity.

SOLUTION

The Human Registrar is the greatest identification system the world has ever known, a global open-specification identity registry modeled on the ICANN governance framework to provide oversight, regulation, and accountability across the entire verified human internet. Like ICANN administers domain names, the Human Registrar administers people. Every registered human receives a unique persistent identity record anchored to their biometric signature, their Digital Trap enrollment data, their barcode, their QR code, and the RFID chip affixed to their backside, creating a six-layer redundant identification stack that can be verified by any compliant reader from across a room or across a parking lot. Enrollment is simple. Present yourself to the Digital Trap online or to a So Sure kiosk attached to a Voter Rotor near you, smile for the embedded 100 gigapixel camera, do not blink, do not move, wait for the 20,000 watt flash, and you are done. Then pull Arty's Curtains, bend over, and the So Sure kiosk will affix your RFID chip and printed identity label to your backside for the ultimate in privacy, identity permanence, and speed of retraction. Monthly subscription is seven dollars. The Human Registrar PRO upgrade adds the Identity Verification Googls, a pair of LCD-enabled glasses that broadcast your verified status to the surrounding environment in real time, displaying your Human Registrar certification level on the lenses in a format visible to all other humans in your vicinity. When equipped with the PRO Identity Verification Googls, the verified operator radiates an aura of documented legitimacy that the unverified population will come to respect, envy, and eventually subscribe to at seven dollars per month.