Psychometric Siege

Type: tree
COMPONENTS
Color Preference Probe
Timed Logic Trap
Forced Choice Engine
Payment Wall
Personality Type Generator
Norm Comparison Engine
PROBLEM

The system has run out of ways to evaluate you and has decided to evaluate your soul instead.

SOLUTION

A personality assessment instrument that penetrates your psyche, measures your ability to take tests by testing you, and wants to know your favorite color. Administered before any meaningful relationship can be formed. Costs money for consideration. You pay. Results are delivered in a PDF you will never fully agree with but will be unable to entirely dispute. Used by organizations to confirm some imaginary thing like team fit and for credit card applications and car loans. Sales is now using it too last I heard, just to buy a television, so everyone will know what defines them as a person.

intangibles

A psychometric instrument that asks your favorite color and records it as a data point. The color you choose is cross-referenced against a proprietary personality matrix developed in 1987 that has never been updated. Blue indicates analytical thinking. Red indicates drive. Green indicates balance. The color you actually picked is entered into a formula. The formula was not designed for your color. It proceeds anyway.

Inspect

A section of the assessment that tests your ability to think logically under time pressure by placing you under time pressure and asking you to think logically. The timer is visible. The timer is not your friend. The questions get harder as the time gets shorter. This is described in the instructions as adaptive. The instructions do not say what it is adapting to. It is adapting to your suffering.

Inspect

Presents two statements and asks which one describes you more. Neither statement describes you. You must choose. The choices include: I enjoy working with people vs. I enjoy working with data. I prefer structure vs. I prefer flexibility. I am comfortable with ambiguity vs. I like clear expectations. There is no both. There is no neither. There is only the choice and the quiet dishonesty of making it.

Inspect

A billing interface that appears between you and your own personality results. You have already completed the assessment. The results exist. They are on the other side of a credit card form. The employer who required the assessment does not pay for it. You do. The price is not high enough to be offensive and not low enough to be free. It is priced at exactly the amount you will pay without thinking too hard about it.

Inspect

The output module. Assigns the completed human a four-letter code, an animal, a color, or a combination of archetypes with names like The Architect or The Campaigner or The Sentinel. The description is specific enough to feel accurate and vague enough to apply to most people. You will share it on LinkedIn. You will reference it in interviews. You will quietly wonder if it is true for the next several years.

Inspect

Compares your results against a normative population of people who also took this test, most of whom were also applying for jobs they needed and were therefore also not their most authentic selves during testing. Your score is expressed as a percentile. The percentile tells you where you rank among people who were pretending. This is presented as insight.

Inspect
Inputs
Outputs
TREE
AVAILABLE INPUTS
AVAILABLE OUTPUTS
Schema
                            {
    "id": "tree_psychometric_siege",
    "name": "Psychometric Siege",
    "type": "tree",
    "inputs": [],
    "outputs": [],
    "passthru": [],
    "children": [
        "intangible_color_preference_probe",
        "intangible_timed_logic_trap",
        "intangible_forced_choice_engine",
        "intangible_payment_wall",
        "intangible_personality_type_generator",
        "intangible_norm_comparison_engine"
    ],
    "extends": null,
    "description": "A personality assessment instrument that penetrates your psyche, measures your ability to take tests by testing you, and wants to know your favorite color. Administered before any meaningful relationship can be formed. Costs money for consideration. You pay. Results are delivered in a PDF you will never fully agree with but will be unable to entirely dispute. Used by organizations to confirm some imaginary thing like team fit and for credit card applications and car loans. Sales is now using it too last I heard, just to buy a television, so everyone will know what defines them as a person.",
    "problem": "The system has run out of ways to evaluate you and has decided to evaluate your soul instead.",
    "template": "tree"
}

Universe Alpha