Old Painless $214000

Type: tree | Size: large | Extends: Boomstick
MODIFICATIONS
Motor
Battery
Universal Strap
COMPONENTS (Boomstick ROOTS)
Break Barrel Trunk
PROBLEM

The standard Boomstick was not spinning fast enough.

SOLUTION

Old Painless is the MTREES M134 Minigun variant of the Boomstick platform, named by Blain Cooper of the 1987 Predator expedition and subsequently adopted by the product team without legal review because the name was too good to require it. Six rotating barrels. Six thousand rounds per minute. One operator, in defiance of all documented ergonomic guidelines, who carried it through a Central American jungle as though it were a briefcase, which it is not, which the carrying harness system attempts to address with three adjustment points and a prayer. Old Painless was brought to the jungle to solve a problem. The problem was not solved by Old Painless. The problem was solved by a different method entirely, in a river, with mud. Old Painless did not make it out. The legend did. The MTREES version includes a carrying harness, a spare barrel assembly, and a laminated card explaining what the operator is holding to anyone in the immediate vicinity who has not yet figured it out. The card is not necessary. The card is a courtesy.

components

Converts electrical energy into mechanical motion.

Inspect

no description

Inspect

A ratcheting silicone mounting strap with a hardened polymer core plate that attaches the Saber Light Shaker module to any object with a surface area larger than a playing card. Tested on: swords, sticks, pool noodles, baguettes, a regulation-length Sub Sammich, wrists, ankles, knees, the tail of a medium-sized dog who consented to the trial, a rake, and a lamp. Works on all of them. The strap does not know what it is strapped to. The strap does not ask.

Inspect
EXTENDS

The Boomstick is a double-barreled persuasion branch, retailing for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. Walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. Made in Grand Rapids, Michigan, which the committee notes was also peak industrial design era and refuses to elaborate. The Boomstick is classified as a communication device: it has never needed to be used, only introduced, at which point the meeting reaches consensus and everyone asks where they can get one. Deployed exactly once in corporate history, during the Snurra Reel Works acquisition, where it converted a hostile Swedish board into enthusiastic customers in under a minute. Shop smart.

Inspect
Inputs
Outputs
TREE
AVAILABLE INPUTS
AVAILABLE OUTPUTS
  • comp_spin
  • comp_charge
Schema
                            {
    "id": "tree_boomstick_old_painless",
    "name": "Old Painless",
    "type": "tree",
    "inputs": [],
    "outputs": [],
    "passthru": [],
    "children": [
        "comp_motor",
        "comp_battery",
        "comp_universal_strap"
    ],
    "extends": {
        "id": "tree_dispenser_boomstick",
        "name": "Boomstick",
        "type": "tree",
        "inputs": [
            "comp_big_red_button"
        ],
        "outputs": [
            "comp_onoff"
        ],
        "passthru": [],
        "children": [
            {
                "id": "comp_break_barrel_trunk",
                "name": "Break Barrel Trunk",
                "type": "component",
                "inputs": [],
                "outputs": [],
                "passthru": [],
                "children": [],
                "tree": [],
                "extends": null,
                "problem": "All the important connections on a utility pole are at the top where no one can reach them without a ladder or a person climbing up there.",
                "description": "The Break Barrel Trunk is the service-access configuration of the Trunks pole platform, redesigning the conventional utility pole architecture by relocating all junction hardware, circuit breaker panels, fiber splice enclosures, and Uni-Adapter service ports from the top of the pole to a break-open barrel housing at standing height on the lower shaft body, accessible to a technician without any climbing equipment, elevated platform, or personal risk above ground level. The barrel housing opens via a quarter-turn key lock on two hinged panels that swing outward to expose the full internal wiring harness and service infrastructure in a single motion, with all connections labeled, color-coded, and terminated on standard DIN rail assemblies for rapid service. The upper shaft above the barrel housing contains only passive structural elements and fixture mounts with no serviceable connections, meaning the fixture at the top is replaced as a complete unit from the ground using a pole-mounted release mechanism rather than a technician ascending to disconnect it. The Break Barrel Trunk reduces average service time per pole from 47 minutes to 11 minutes in field trials and eliminates the category of incident in which a person falls off a pole."
            }
        ],
        "tree": [
            {
                "id": "comp_break_barrel_trunk",
                "name": "Break Barrel Trunk",
                "type": "component",
                "inputs": [],
                "outputs": [],
                "passthru": [],
                "children": [],
                "tree": [],
                "extends": null,
                "problem": "All the important connections on a utility pole are at the top where no one can reach them without a ladder or a person climbing up there.",
                "description": "The Break Barrel Trunk is the service-access configuration of the Trunks pole platform, redesigning the conventional utility pole architecture by relocating all junction hardware, circuit breaker panels, fiber splice enclosures, and Uni-Adapter service ports from the top of the pole to a break-open barrel housing at standing height on the lower shaft body, accessible to a technician without any climbing equipment, elevated platform, or personal risk above ground level. The barrel housing opens via a quarter-turn key lock on two hinged panels that swing outward to expose the full internal wiring harness and service infrastructure in a single motion, with all connections labeled, color-coded, and terminated on standard DIN rail assemblies for rapid service. The upper shaft above the barrel housing contains only passive structural elements and fixture mounts with no serviceable connections, meaning the fixture at the top is replaced as a complete unit from the ground using a pole-mounted release mechanism rather than a technician ascending to disconnect it. The Break Barrel Trunk reduces average service time per pole from 47 minutes to 11 minutes in field trials and eliminates the category of incident in which a person falls off a pole."
            }
        ],
        "extends": null,
        "belongs_to": [
            {
                "id": "planet_mall",
                "name": "Planet Mall",
                "type": "planet",
                "inputs": [],
                "outputs": [],
                "passthru": [],
                "children": [
                    "ecosystem_clothing",
                    "ecosystem_smoke_shop_supreme",
                    "ecosystem_restaurant",
                    "forest_dispensers",
                    "forest_wallets",
                    "tree_feedback_stick",
                    "tree_backpack_crack",
                    "tree_chernobly",
                    "tree_quilted_rockstar",
                    "tree_grocery_bag",
                    "persona_entitled_emu",
                    "persona_baked_turnkey",
                    "persona_long_hair"
                ],
                "tree": [],
                "extends": null,
                "belongs_to": [
                    "galaxy_retail"
                ],
                "problem": "Retail is dying. It just won't stop showing up.",
                "description": "Planet Mall is the MTREES retail ecosystem \u2014 the full suite of products, systems, and defensive infrastructure for the commerce environment where things are bought, returned, touched without intention of purchase, and occasionally protected from people who have very strong opinions about the self-checkout line. The mall is not dead. The mall is evolving into something stranger and more defensible. Planet Mall addresses both sides of the retail transaction: the products that facilitate commerce and the products that protect the people facilitating it. Trees here cover the complete spectrum from point-of-sale defensive hardware to retail feedback apparatus to the writing instrument that allows someone to formally register a number on a piece of paper in exchange for a small amount of money. Everything on this planet is designed for high-traffic, low-patience environments where someone is always about to have an opinion about the price."
            }
        ],
        "template": "tree",
        "price": "109.95",
        "size": "small",
        "problem": "Some negotiations require a closing argument from the sporting goods department.",
        "description": "The Boomstick is a double-barreled persuasion branch, retailing for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. Walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. Made in Grand Rapids, Michigan, which the committee notes was also peak industrial design era and refuses to elaborate. The Boomstick is classified as a communication device: it has never needed to be used, only introduced, at which point the meeting reaches consensus and everyone asks where they can get one. Deployed exactly once in corporate history, during the Snurra Reel Works acquisition, where it converted a hostile Swedish board into enthusiastic customers in under a minute. Shop smart."
    },
    "price": "214000",
    "size": "large",
    "problem": "The standard Boomstick was not spinning fast enough.",
    "description": "Old Painless is the MTREES M134 Minigun variant of the Boomstick platform, named by Blain Cooper of the 1987 Predator expedition and subsequently adopted by the product team without legal review because the name was too good to require it. Six rotating barrels. Six thousand rounds per minute. One operator, in defiance of all documented ergonomic guidelines, who carried it through a Central American jungle as though it were a briefcase, which it is not, which the carrying harness system attempts to address with three adjustment points and a prayer. Old Painless was brought to the jungle to solve a problem. The problem was not solved by Old Painless. The problem was solved by a different method entirely, in a river, with mud. Old Painless did not make it out. The legend did. The MTREES version includes a carrying harness, a spare barrel assembly, and a laminated card explaining what the operator is holding to anyone in the immediate vicinity who has not yet figured it out. The card is not necessary. The card is a courtesy.",
    "template": "tree"
}

Universe Alpha